scott@hopeibf.com www.hopeibf.com
My testimony is about how I chased something I already had and didn't know
it.
For as long as I can remember, I have had this uneasy feeling inside. I didn’t
always know what this feeling was caused by but I knew it was there and I hated
it. There was a real emptiness that I couldn’t fill no matter what I tried and
when I ignored it, the feeling just got worse. Looking back I see that my life
has been obsessed with trying to ease this pain.
I was raised a competitor. My family owned and operated roller skating rinks my
entire life and I competed in various disciplines. Looking back I see now that
much of what I did was to earn my father’s love. If I could only be good enough
maybe this emptiness would go away. The harder I tried the worse I felt. Nothing
worked. Deep down I knew I couldn’t earn my dad’s love. So I just gave up. I
didn’t see that he already loved me. Something told me that I didn’t deserve to
be loved and I believed it.
That emptiness spilled over into every area of my life. If I could only be
better at what I was doing and earn more than I was earning, the emptiness would
go away. I took jobs that I had no business taking. I took promotions that led
to nothing more than being overwhelmed and frustrated. The harder I tried the
more I was faced with the fact that there was nothing I could do to earn the
love I so dearly needed.
I got married to a beautiful woman from Hong Kong. Once again I tried to earn
the love that I needed. I spent way too much time at work trying hard to earn
more money so that she would love me. I took risks in business hoping that if I
could only make this one work everything would be alright. I tried harder and
harder. And I never earned her love. I really didn’t understand - she too
already love me.
All throughout my experience I learned how to medicate my emptiness with
alcohol. The harder I tried, the emptier I felt and the more I drank. This
worked really well for a number of years. When I was drunk I felt no pain,
literally. I was OK. It no longer mattered that nobody loved me. I felt good. My
toes tingled and I was ready to live life. For over twenty-seven years alcohol
was my best friend. It comforted me through the death of my mother. It comforted
me when I lost my job, my house and everything I owned. It celebrated with me
during the good times. It helped me through the difficult times. It worked. It
comforted me each and every step of the way. When I was drunk, I was OK!
At some point, however, the alcohol stopped working. Deep down I knew what was
happening to me: that I was merely avoiding the truth. I was not OK. My
alcoholism had become an addiction to prescription drugs. For nearly three years
I took Vicodin, Codeine, Darvocets or any other opiate I could get my hands on.
When this no longer worked, I traded up once more to Crystal Meth. Life was now
over. Realizing that there was nothing I could do to be OK, I got really
committed to not being OK. What I mean by this is simple. The drugs got me to
the point of no longer caring. I knew I was an addict and didn’t care. The
people around me were destroyed and all I cared about was easing my pain. I
couldn’t work, I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t care. I had lost all hope. Death was
simply a matter of time and I was OK with that.
Then, late one night something touched me. In the silence of my madness, God
spoke to me. My life passed before my eyes and God told me He was my Father in
Heaven. He told me that He loved me.
Part of me wanted to fluff it off as merely some computer trick but another part
of me knew it was real.
I didn't know why at the time but during the next few days I began to want
things to be different. In a very emotional moment, I saw who I had become. I
was devastated. I was sorry. With all of the sincerity my heart held, I wept. I
asked God for forgiveness and I begged Him for a real miracle. A simple computer
trick wasn’t going to help, I told Him. I really needed Him to rescue me.
I was exhausted. I stopped trying to fix my problem and I surrendered wholly and
completely. Whatever God wanted to do was fine with me. I had had enough and
even if death was the answer that was fine with me. I knew there was nothing I
could do to change.
Two days later I was sitting with my devastated and broken wife in front of
Pastor Ed and his wife Lou. I told them I no longer wanted to hurt the people
around me but that there was no way I could stop this addiction. Pastor Ed told
me there was hope. He gave me a promise: If I would go into a detox facility for
thirty days he would accept me into the recovery program at Hope International
Bible Fellowship (www.hopeibf.com) where I
would spend the next 6 to 18 months.
WHAT? 18 MONTHS? My mind told me that I would be lucky to get through the night.
There was no way I would even get through detox. When I hesitated, my wife
pleaded with me to go. I told Pastor Ed I would try but I knew there was no way
I could make that commitment.
I don’t know how or why, it must have been God's strength, but when I got home I
made a couple of phone calls. God opened the doors and the next morning I was
admitted into a detox facility in Pasadena.
Even though the program at Hope was full, Pastor Ed was faithful to his promise.
He picked me up from detox and brought me directly to Hope. I slept on a couch
upstairs for the first couple of weeks because there were no beds available.
Things progressed slowly. Pastor Ed and all of the people at Hope provided me
with a safe place. I learned to let go. I studied the Bible, something I hadn’t
done in nearly twenty years. I prayed morning and night. I talked to, argued
with, and opened up. I cried often as I let go of all of the pain that was
bottled up inside. I recommitted my life to Jesus Christ and began accepting His
love for me.
As I look back, it brings tears to my eyes. I am humbled by the fact that God
answered my prayer. When I cried out He was faithful. He gave me a miracle, a
real miracle. It took nearly nine months but my wife and I reconciled. My career
has been given back to me but it no longer holds the highest priority in my
life. I learned that I am loved and that real love is given, not earned. I know
now that the people closest to me loved me all along. I am also learning how to
love back, something I have never done before.
Through the Hope Drug and Alcohol Recovery Program, I have been given the tools
I need to deal with life’s frustrations. My life is not easy but it is based on
Godly principles and filled with integrity.
And most important of all, I have a real relationship with Jesus Christ, my
Savior. I talk with Him daily and trust His direction and purpose for my life.
It is very clear to me that Hope International Bible Fellowship was used by God
to perform a very real miracle in my life. I love Jesus with all of my heart and
I have a deep love, respect and connection with everybody at Hope – not because
of what they have done for me, but because I know God is using them to perform
miracles.